January 2011
& it kills me that I can't trust you anymore.
Dear Parentals,
You know what I love?
I love that no matter how high I get my grades, no matter how hard I try to prove that I’m actually trying hard. No matter that I avoid anything involving drugs, alcohol, and sex. None of it even truly matters to you. I can try as hard as I’d like to go to church with you every week and let you hang with my boyfriend and I, give you insights in my life I...
You can’t be best friends with people if you hide yourself. They have to know you, all of you. The good, the bad, the ugly.
Sometimes, when I miss you too much,
I wrap your old hoodie around my pillow and sleep with it. I pretend it still smells like you, even though it definitely doesn’t. I take out the notes you wrote me before we were ever even together and read them over and over again. Trying to make sense of all the changes taking place in my life. Everything has started to become you. I’ve never let myself get this close to another...
Things that make me feel awkward:
fifthdimension:
Being in a room with only one other person
Talking to someone who used to be your friend but isn’t anymore
Eating in front of other people
Accidentally hitting hands with someone while walking
Knowing someone’s name when they don’t know yours
Staring off into space then realizing you were staring at a person
Eye contact from across the room
Hi.
So, I just read your blog. Like, all of it. As…creepy as that sounds. We could be friends, we’d get along. But, I think you made up your mind about me from the start. Or maybe we both did. It seems like we agree on a lot of the same things, and that we’ve both been through a lot of the same situations.
It’s just that, sometimes I wonder what would happen if we let all the...
“When I see you, the world. It stops, and all that exists for me, is you and my...”
Blame
Blame makes me angry.
How can someone blame someone else for something that was out of that person’s control?
If a man supplies a group of kids with alcohol, it’s not his fault if they decide to get drunk and someone ends up hurt. That man doesn’t get full credit for that. HE didn’t force the alcohol down their throats. Did he know they would get drunk? Did he know that someone was going to be...
The Future
It scares me when you say things that are futuristic, and that’s alright. But, the second that I do, it’s far too much. It’s like you believe you’re more broken than you are. I’m not her. Get that? Because this sincerely hurts me, that you may not actually mean what you’re saying. Or, maybe I believe it so much that it hurts you. Maybe you’re the scared one. But I could never tell. I’m sick of...
imgfave.com is lame now; what’s with all of these Disney movies and facts? It’s all madness.
Someday,
Someday, I’ll learn to think before I speak so I don’t hurt the person I love most. I don’t want to turn into the monster he used to deal with. I don’t want to let him down by becoming who he hates most. I know how I am when I get stressed, but that’s no reason to think I can get away with treating others horribly. That’s not my job. I shouldn’t risk what...
The Job
It’s the little things you do that make me want to hold on for that much longer.
When we talk, I don’t want it to stop. When you hold me, I don’t have anything to be scared of because you’re there. You hold the fear at bay. You are my security.
That’s a big job, a scary job. It involves listening to me cry because I can’t breathe or think straight anymore. It means being quiet and holding my hand...
It's the fear.
I need you to understand my kind of fear. I don’t fear the normal stuff, like failing a test or losing my boyfriend, I fear pressure and stress. I fear falling out of love or losing the one I love. I don’t act on my fear, or try to lessen it. When I feel scared of the stress or the pressure, I soak it up more. I let it linger, simmer. It’s not something I can stop. I don’t know how to relieve...
I’ll never apologize for being angry. It’s the one time you truly know exactly what I feel.
First, and then there's you;
You are my first real and good boyfriend.
You make me feel special.
You never treat me like I’m someone that’s broken, even though we both know that I am.
You were my first date, my first wanted kiss, my first wanted touch, needed kiss or touch…
Something keeps me hanging on to you, to us, even when I’m suddenly terrified that we won’t work out or that someone...
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